i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
