he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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