You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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