Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
