Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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