I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
