3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Randomize
