I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
