I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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