I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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