do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Found the puke drawer
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
