I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I just forgot I was standing up.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
