I need to stop coming to work sober
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
