and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
