You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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