Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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