HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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