I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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