I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
