I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
