i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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