grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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