Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
