I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
and eventually we just all took our pants off
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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