My liver just broke up with me...
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
