I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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