FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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