we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Randomize
