I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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