you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
