sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
handjob tips. give me some.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
