Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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