I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
