Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
