weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
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