He disabled his match.com account in front of me
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
