booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
