it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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