I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I'm at about main and main street
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
