New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Randomize
