Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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