nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
