I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
