I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
