i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Im part way to drunk.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
