I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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