What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
