I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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