My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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