Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
