dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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