im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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