1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
