Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
