I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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