Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Two words: blizzard sex
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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